It was all a nightmare
A nightmare I could not wake up soon enough from. My mom had her first dizzy spell on January 28th 2012 on my youngest daughters 3rd birthday party. It was out of character for my mom but nevertheless we thought it was the stomach flu due to nausea that was associated with the headache and faint feeling. Moving on these episodes of nausea and headaches would continue maybe once a week at most for 2 months. Let me explain something really quick, my mother is a very painfully shy individual who can be overcome with a form of anxiety that does not allow her to feel comfortable in any means in speaking to someone of an intimidating nature or big crowds she hates attention and is not one to call for any by any means.
She is a healthy 49 year old woman with no medical conditions. She does not smoke she does not drink she does not have diabetes nor high blood pressure. Back to my story she never spoke up, she never bothered to schedule a much needed appointment with her general attending physician to discuss these symptoms, until the end of February when the symptoms started to interfere with work, so much so I was called to pick her up. She was unable to drive home.
This is when things got a little heavy for me, I encouraged her to make an appointment as I was very concerned to hear in the early morning vomiting with such discomfort. She was not someone to complain of pain I have never ever seen my mother sick accept for when I was 8 years old she suffered strep throat other than this the common cold but never this sick. She would unmistakably lay with no energy whatsoever for a couple of hours and then jump up back to normal. She made an appointment to see her attending physician and came back with an explanation on menopause and migraines.
Sure of course it makes sense she's 49 years old all women experience different symptoms and this is something that is accompanying her menopause. The doctor put her on some form of migraine medication and that was that. Sure enough these headaches struck with malice now they were occurring more frequent and were messing with her vision. Now she is complaining about having a hard time on focusing at work she cannot work without pain and it is heavily weighing on her. At this point they are everyday and when she arrives home from work she goes straight to her bed and not even this is comfort in her sleep she is in pain.
On Thursday April 19th I find her home waking up to her folding some laundry that I leave behind on the washer and of course being the mom that she is she can longer see it there and starts to fold ... Did I mention I am allergic to laundry its horrible there is not a cure at the moment but I am sure mothers all over this universe are trying to find one.
She tells me she can no longer take the pain and has called to doctor. She has no available appointments but she has left a message for her. At about 2p. in the afternoon she is told to come in because at this point the doctor thinks she has a really bad sinus infection and would like to provide medication and antibiotics for it. She is to have a driver I drive her and decide to wait in the car as I have tons of work overload that I need to get in before the end of the day. She is in good spirits and enters to see the doctor with my younger sister. At this point to be completely honest I am in a state of denial I do not want to know that my healthy mother is sick in any form I just refuse to know I do not want to know.
She has been given orders to have a ct scan of her head to see if just in case there might be something. This is just for precaution to have any doubts that anyone has be proven otherwise. We call to try to be seen the same day but they schedule her in for 2p. on Friday April 20th. My mom and little sister go to the appointment as scheduled and I have lunch with my kids and husband. We are big fans of my oldest daughters softball season and are more excited to know that my aunt and grandmother have called to say they are coming to watch her game.
While my mother leaves her appointment and assumes nothing is wrong she decides to go to Target and do a little shopping. Within 30 minutes of her appointment she receives a call from her attending physician and learns that she has a tumor and needs to rush to Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena California. My mom calls me crying and says she needs me to drive her to the hospital. I am in total shock I have nothing to say and can only think that I need to get her to the hospital asap. In a small moment of pain I call my best friend and ask that she pray for my mom ...
We arrive by 3:45p. we have a room waiting for us, she is scared and in pain. Family arrives and its a big shock to everyone. My nina extremely hysterical, my grandma crying, my aunts crying I watch and think I need to be strong for my mom.I have always been the strong one for my mom her right hand, her friend, her oldest daughter.
The neurosurgeon explains to me that it does not look good ... the swelling is overwhelming ... the countless risks of a brain tumor or brain cancer. He says she has a mass about an inch growing on her occipital lobe of the brain. He assumes its a metastic tumor, he assumes it has spread and they want to run more tests before they operate.He was basically saying that she had cancer and that it had spread throughout her body all this because of the ct scan and her symptoms.
I did not even want to recognize what he was insinuating all I wanted to do was crawl under my moms bed and hide from everyone and pretend it was not happening all this was not happening, I mean we were just laughing the night before. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
An MRI is done and another ct scan of the abdomen is done within hours. Dr. Ian Ross the neurosurgeon and doctor Mark Miller come in the following morning and say they have a bit of good news its not metastic cancer. He proceeds to show me the swelling and lets me know an operation needs to be performed and proceeds to ask my mom if she is ready.My mom's response is "Yes, I just want the headaches to stop". I almost have a moment of clarity she seems calm she seems okay with this operation she's not scared like what I thought.He tells me that there has been some bleeding.The horror of the swelling in the brain is almost so hard to look at knowing that all the white area of the mri is swelling, it is alot and I am immediately scared for my mother. The nurses explain what a great neurosurgeon he is and he is one of the best. My sister and I cuddle up in a space they have to sit in the room and pretend we are having a slumber party with mom. She is put on a steroid called decadron for the swelling to subside. No pain medication is given for the fear she will not wake up.
It does not hit me until the next morning she asks to be alone with my sister and I.She's calm she's seems to be at peace she has been reading her bible all morning. She tells us not to be mad at God if this his will she is ready and everything happens for a reason, she proceeds to tell me to watch over my sister and make sure she does all right .... (right about here I begin to zone out, talking to myself in my head saying wait wait you are not suppose to be telling me this I felt like I was 6 again and she was being my mom) I was so use to being the strong one for her and giving her my advice I did not want to hear her .... I have blank stare and feel like I am in some really sad movie where I am about to lose my mom and its 2 daughters left alone.
She is taken on the hospital bed down to the O R to be prepped for brain surgery BRAIN SURGERY BRAIN SURGERY BRAIN SURGERY that is all I kept thinking she is having BRAIN SURGERY. Again she tells us how much she loves us and is at calm with herself and I cannot help but look at her and think she is really okay with this. The neurosurgeon proceeds to explain the operation will be about 3 hours and everything will be just fine.I have nothing but faith in him, he tells me he can do this operation in his sleep he just cannot guarantee what he will find when he opens her skull. It is 7:30 in the morning. We are taken to a surgery waiting room and wait for family to arrive. Little by little family starts to arrive and I am trying to avoid the fact that I just want to crawl up in the corner of the room and cry away. It does not take long to do so with one look to my aunt Maria who has had a big hand in raising me. At this time TIME IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE it seems to moving slower than usual. I am expecting to see my mom in recovery by 10:30 the latest 11:00 a.m.
Through all this family friends and our pastor come together and pray and cry and accept what is happening. 11:15a. 11:20a. 11:30a. 11:45a. 12p. 12:30p. 12:45p. at this point I know in my heart and in my stomach that something is wrong. He finally comes out and tells me they ran into complications and were unable to replace her skull from the area from where he has made the incision. He says he had to make the incision bigger for her brain to have somewhere to go, He tells me that it looks like it is not cancer and that he is sorry but the swelling was too much he did not expect it and he wants her sedated and on a ventilator for the rest of the day. He tells me he has to go because he is running one more ct scan to make sure he has taken everything out.
I let a cry out like no other and cannot help but cover my face and hold my hands there for a good 10 minutes before I feel like I can catch my breath and feel okay but even then I cannot stop sobbing. All I heard was the incision was made bigger he was unable to replace her skull and the swelling the stupid swelling that would not subside. I was not prepared to not see my mom awake after the operation ... nobody told me she would be sedated or on a ventilator I expected to see her and make her laugh like I always do ...
My family and mother are deeply devoted to our faith we are Christians and I will be the first to admit and say that I do not practice the religion as much as I should. I will not sit here and be a hypocrite and say that I am a deeply devoted Christian cause I am not as much as I know about the bible pray and have faith I can't sit here and tell you I abide by all rules as a true Christian. I have a good heart, love others, pray when I remember etc. etc. I know he is real I know he hears me because I have been more than blessed in my life of 28 years. For as long as I can remember I have always attended church even sang as a kid every Sunday with my karaoke player practicing with my mom at the age of 5. My mom will call me her prodigal daughter every now and then and believes one day I will come back and devote myself to the Lord.
We stray we walk through paths that lead us to nowhere but it never ever fails that he is there for me NEVER ... HE IS REAL HE IS GOOD HE IS FORGIVING HE HEARS YOUR PRAYERS. I do believe and I believe that he made this situation happen whether it was for me to appreciate my mother more or whether it was for my mom to have a GREAT TESTIMONY of her faith to get her out of her shyness and speak of his love and his praise. This I do believe. Whether you are a doctor a nurse a photographer a writer a detective everyone has been given a special talent to utilize. I believe he has given Dr. Ian Ross enlightenment to do these operations with precise detail and everlasting attention to each case he is given. No one will make me believe otherwise. Everything happens for a reason ...
My brother and I prepare ourselves for what we are to see in two hours when they allow me to come back into the ICU to see her. I imagine her balled and sad and totally unrecognizable as if she were in some horrible car accident. We tell each other that its gonna be okay and I let him know that I cannot cry anymore I just don't think I have any tears left. We are able to see her its time, I see her and my heart melts she has her hair she looks sad I see the tubes and her chest being pumped up and down by this machine and cannot help but think she will not wake up. She is drooling and I do not hesitate to wipe it she's my mommy ...
At this point I am okay with other family members coming back to see her because I do not think she looks as bad as everyone is expecting. Two at a time family comes from out of town they come in and talk to her but she is so sedated she does not react. At one point it is only my brother and I left she looks so uncomfortable that I reach over and want to fix her head its like something out of a movie she is almost in a comatose state and she sits up and starts coughing with these tubes in her mouth and I am horrified it was the scariest thing to see, she seemed like she was in so much pain. The nurse came in and up'd her sedation medication and tells me its okay. I feel horrible ...
My brother leaves and I spend the night with my mom staring at her and reading verses from the bible. She sheds tears and it makes my heart so happy cause I know she hears me.
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
PSALM 116
I tell her mom you have your hair you were so worried about its there you just have the bottom half shaved.I let her know that family has come from out of town and that she needs to wake up.For once in my life I TELL HER I NEED HER, I wanted to go back to when I was 5 and she would take me to museums and parks just her & I. I wanted her to tell me the stories of her childhood growing up in Washington. I wanted to hear her voice.
The following morning she is opening her eyes she cries when she see's me. She wants to talk but cannot she is trying to communicate but can't. She signals me for a paper and pen she wants to know how Carly is my little sister she wants to know how my kids are she asks for my oldest Clarissa and I let her know she is having a hard time coping with all this and refuses to see her ... she wants me to tell her she loves her. She brings tears to my eyes because she is trying so hard to focus but has no energy and her spelling is tad off she pauses for a little bit before she can write more she overlaps her sentences and cannot see what she is doing ... she tells me to tell my brother she loves him. She crosses her heart and points at me over and over and I tell her I know mom you love me so much your heart hurts ... something she would say to me as a little girl.
We spend 3 nights in the ICU before she is transferred to the Brain Mapping Unit. She has 3 more pastors come by to pray for her and her speedy recovery. The staff loves her she does not bother she asks for little pain medication. She is slowly but surely coming around. She is hungry and asking when she can eat. She is put on a regular diet and is able to have a hamburger. She speaks of little vision issues but for the most part is happy to see us. I stay with her until the last day of her hospitalization without hesitation.
Our stay here had been an amazing stay the nurses and doctors so nice never being rude nor cocky. I have nothing but great things to say. The cafeteria being really delicious was a humongous plus for me. Anyone who knows me knows I love to eat, even though the first 3 days I had no appetite.
A week in the hospital and she is able to come home and looks amazing. Unless you were to see her from behind you would never know she has been through brain surgery. She has vision issues occasional nausea and dizzy spells. She will undergo a second operation to have the bone flap replaced since the swelling did not allow them to do so. Right now it is almost like the soft spot on a baby's head only 10 times bigger.
She is not in the clear just yet until the second operation is performed I will be at complete ease but for now this is the best BIRTHDAY PRESENT ALONG WITH MY MOTHERS DAY PRESENT my mom is home and tumor free it was a benign tumor.She has really good days and has really bad days but nevertheless shes home.
I encourage anyone that is having these type of symptoms to immediately speak up and push for a ct scan to prove otherwise. They are serious and it can ultimately save your life.
My youngest brightens her day, gives her a reason to wake up in the morning and smile. She loves my mom & I would not have it any other way. She does not see her flaws no pain.Her innocent eyes see nothing but a loving grandmother who spoils her with sweet bread and coffee in the mornings, more milk than coffee... She listens to her stories and the silly things she sings. She has patience for her and I believe for any five year old this is heaven :) to have an adults full attention for more than an hour.
I encourage anyone that is having these type of symptoms to immediately speak up and push for a ct scan to prove otherwise. They are serious and it can ultimately save your life.
My youngest brightens her day, gives her a reason to wake up in the morning and smile. She loves my mom & I would not have it any other way. She does not see her flaws no pain.Her innocent eyes see nothing but a loving grandmother who spoils her with sweet bread and coffee in the mornings, more milk than coffee... She listens to her stories and the silly things she sings. She has patience for her and I believe for any five year old this is heaven :) to have an adults full attention for more than an hour.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to send me a message a comment a text and email they all meant so much to me and my mother you truly have no idea. I feel very special to have such friends in my life.
my little sister.
https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/helping-each-other/41265
Four cerebral operations later. Friday, February 7th 2014 my mother suffered a seizure while driving. Little things are becoming extremely clear in my eyes. She stutters and forgets what she is talking about. She is suffering from depression and feels completely and utterly alone.
I am not sure what I can offer anymore. My patience are running very low.I have tried to be there be with her at all drs appointments and tend to her needs. But sometimes I think she easily forgets that I too am a mother and need to be there for my children and husband. :(
April 3rd, 2014,
My mother has been officially declared disabled. She has been permanently been cut off from working and driving and to her socializing completely... My heart hurts for my mama and I wish I could have the old her back but there is nothing better than having her still here with me and
God knows why he has kept her home she lives with me and has been a complete blessing in my eyes. Although there are those days that can be so hectic I want to throw in the towel, I must tell myself it could be much worse.
